annoying!

Alright, this story about the Austrian guy who kept his daughter in a cellar for 23 years is starting to get my goat. I mean, a totally unimaginably sucky tragedy. The kind of thing it's actually hard to wrap your head around, like death, or the Bush administration. Cheap liberal pot-shots aside, the way this story is being told is not OK.

So the guy's lawyer is essentially claiming insanity. Naturally. What would you do if you were this guy's lawyer? Clearly he slipped, fell, and imprisoned his daughter for nearly all of her natural life. Could happen to anyone.

But the whole sneering tone of the article as it discusses that defense, amid details about baby remains in furnaces and previous rape convictions (not to mention gratuitous use of German), is messed up. I guess I'm sensitive to the way people cover a mental illness defense. Here is a man who clearly made a choice, and who is morally culpable for that choice, no matter what was going on internally. At the same time, that shouldn't undercut the fact that mental illness is real, and that it does affect people's actions and choices negatively. Bah, the whole thing just seems to undermine the idea that mental illness is a real thing. But maybe it's just my hyper-critical view of the rhetoric.

The I Hate Cedric Theme Song

Two days ago, I can only hope, was the last conversation I will ever have with the most obnoxious client provider in the history of the universe. Ever. In celebration, a little music.

Oh Cedric, my Cedric, you're such a damn ass
You're behind on the subject and full of hot gas
When you're clueless you won't just bite down and admit
Holy crap! I'm not paid to deal with your shit

badum dum dum...

actual conversation with Cedric!:

me: Hi, I'm X's primary counselor.
Cedric: ... OK.
me: I'm working on some treatment goals for him. He's pretty tight-lipped. I was wondering what you thought.
Cedric: Well, I have my own treatment plans. You need to find your own.
me: ... ... ... ? I'm asking for your insight, since you have been working with him.
Cedric: Well, that's your job.
me: huh...

Oh Cedric, dear Cedric, please do roast in hell
And why does each sentence you say start with "well"?
I call you a jerk but words can't convey
The depth of how much I want you far away

ba dum dum dum...

me: Hi Cedric, how are you doing?
Cedric: ...
me: OK, so I'm calling to ask about X's medications. It seems he is running low.
Cedric: Well, I don't know about that.
me: You're his primary provider. Aren't you in charge of making sure his meds are filled? (Note to reader: the answer is yes)
Cedric: Well, you are going to have to call his doctor at the hospital for that.
me: Do you have the doctor's name?
Cedric: Not in front of me. You'll have to look it up.
me: Or a number? Anything to make calling the hospital a little bit easier?
Cedric: No.


The one I hate most of your many bad traits
Is the utter refusal to let me know straight
You'll weasel and whine and say "that's not on me"
Which is true, even when it needed to be

ba dum dum dum...

me: Hello Cedric, I am having a hard time finding X housing. Do you have any leads?
Cedric: Well, this one. But it probably won't be ready for several months.
me: We can only keep him 90 days. Is there anything else that can be arranged?
Cedric: Well, I'm following up on this one. But it probably won't be ready for several months.
me: Fine, never mind.
...
me several weeks later: Hello Cedric. I am working with the bed committee to get X housing before he leaves. I did most of this paperwork, but you need to fill out one section. Can you do that and fax it over?
...
me even later: Hello Cedric, it turns out we need to apply for emergency funds. Again, I need you to fill out this one section and fax it over.
...
me even later: Hello Cedric, I need to work out X's departure date.
Cedric: Well, that's your guys' issue.
me: Of course it is. But we need to coordinate it with you since you will be helping move his possessions. He can move in on the first.
Cedric: I know. I arranged the housing.
me: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ahhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Cedric, dear Cedric, you fail again
Turns out you can't tell me if, where, or when
And then you imply that I don't do my work?
Well guess what? You're right! I did yours you damn jerk!

May I never work with this man again.

White flags

For once I could talk a lot about my personal life, which has been more interesting as of late. And so I am not going to, because there would be to much to say and to process and the whole thing would get overwhelming. I guess it is better to have things be overwhelming rather than stagnant and depressing, but it still isn't quite at the place where I could stand back and give it a quirky, entertaining, bloggy spin in a few short paragraphs.

On the other hand, I happened to browse some of my old comments from posts on various blogs and discovered, much to my ego gratification, that some of my comments and garnered serious responses. Which is not necessarily saying much in a blog community, but it is nice to know that I got people thinking. Most of the time it was for making less liberal comments in a very liberal atmosphere. This is especially awkward because a) I am very liberal in most respects and b) there are so many concern trolls on blogs that I think I automatically get lumped in to that category.

I'm not sure if I need to explain concern troll, but essentially it is a person who acts sympathetic to your argument just to tear it down (ie. "I agree that women should have equal rights in principle, but this is a time of war...). As you can see, obnoxious. So when I come along and point out that maybe Giuliani taking a phone call during a press conference wouldn't be quite so frowned upon in that blog if a democrat had done it, people assume I am concern trolling. Which makes sense really, because even though all I'm really trying to say is that we shouldn't worry about minor crap like that, it sounds high-handed.

My problem is that I never figured out a genuine white flag to raise, like "no really, I am sympathetic to your overall concerns, but there are some minor points I disagree with." Because just about anything you say like that comes across as concern-trollish. And even if there were a genuine white flag, concern trolls would just co-opt it immediately and it would become meaningless. One of the reasons I stopped belonging to these communities as a rule. Rosemary's is still fun, though.

strangelets!

Unfortunately for me, when I start to write a really good post but then get waylaid, it feels... wrong somehow to write another post in the meantime.

Which is why I got caught up writing this really clever jingle about this guy that I strongly dislike, and ended up getting sidetracked. I almost passed up the chance to blog about the Large Hadron Collider, the world's coolest (and possibly last) supercollider. Last, because it carries a small chance, once turned on, of creating a small black hole that would destroy the world. Alternatively, and this is my favorite part, it carries an even smaller chance of creating something called a strangelet, which might then turn the particles around it into strangelets, which would then turn the particles around them into strangelets, until our entire planet was converted (ice-nine-like). Good stuff.

I am going to try to carry off a commitment of blogging once a week. Here goes.

5am

I was reading through the Order of the Stick FAQ when it mentions that one of the moderators is RawBearNYC. My first thought was, "that would imply something very different on Craigslist." My second thought was "why the hell AM I reading the OOTS FAQ?" I hate not being able to sleep...

rereading

If you talk one person out of committing suicide, does that mean you get a free pass on killing another (say, more annoying) person? What if you just suggest visiting the Golden Gate Bridge? I'd like it if that's how my job worked. OK, not really, I've just worked enough overtime to make my head explode and I'm ready for my damn weekend. And a mai tai. I want a weekend and a mai tai.

I was rereading "Don't Think of an Elephant" today. Silly metaphor guy. Doesn't he know that language just expresses an absolute preexisting truth? It's fun to read him and the go to Townhall.com where everything he says is just confirmed over and over and over again. It's even more fun reading it with a mai tai.

testing testing...

Wow, seems like I left the blog in a pretty dark place.

It also seems like blogger has become more compatible with Mac since I last tasted its wiles.

So, time to brush off the cobwebs and revisit the old blogosphere. God that's such a lame name for what this is. It sounds like a video game enemy. Made of petroleum jelly.

Anyway, I now am definitively competent that I can handle whatever my job throws at me, which is good, because this Saturday it through a hell of a lot. I had to tell one person that they needed to pack their bags and leave, which led to crying and begging and remorse. Oh sure, we referred the person to a shelter that way they wouldn't be totally out on the streets, but it isn't a good position to leave a person at all. Then I almost had to call the cops on a client who was drunk and screaming in front of our facility.

Come to think of it, my job is just about the most interesting thing in my life right now, so I guess I should be grateful for the occasional oddball screaming at me so that I have stuff to tell at parties. Not that I go to parties much. Like I said, not that interesting right now.

Which is part of why it is hard to blog... don't feel like I have a whole lot to say unless it relates to work, and I don't always want to think about that when I'm off. Alright, time to find new interests. Meanwhile, this blog has officially switched from a period of suck to a period of not-suck. Tell your friends.

unsleep

I have never been completely unable to go to sleep before. I think I came close last night, but nothing I did tipped me over the edge into actual sleep. I called my boss this morning to ask if I could call in sick because I am clearly not thinking straight. Needless to say she is pissed, and I don't blame her. It puts her and others in a pretty bad situation. I think I'm about to get fired anyway. Or "put on relief." I really feel bad about that, actually, because now the night shift person may have to stay later. I even started to offer to come in for the morning, but she hung up. I really don't feel like I can do the job right now, but still...
I'm also a little pissed, to be honest. She always talks about how we need to have conversations with the clients, but it isn't that often that we get the benefit of a conversation with her. Which kind of makes sense, since she is doing way more work than one job and my patience would be short too. But we don't get the benefit of having a short temper or not interacting with clients. It bothers me that when she tells me something it is in the form of a lecture.
Yesterday she was telling me about time sheets and how I needed to manage my time better so that I wasn't working overtime, and that if I did need to go over I needed to verify that with her first. Which is pretty clearly meant as a disincentive. The entire time it was this "I can't believe I have to go over this with you, this is such a waste of my time," kind of discussion. And that hurts me so much. Yeah, I'm really just over-sensitive, but after everything I give to that place to turn around and feel like such a burden to the most important person there is just so hard for me.
I don't know, maybe she's right. Maybe I'm just not ready for this job. Sometimes I do feel like I am doing a good job, but so often I just feel overwhelmed. I thought I could work through that, but I don't know.
Holy crap this has become a whiny blog post. This is the kind of blog post junior high kids write when they get in trouble at school. I'm going to stop now before I start crying and listening to emo music. Damn you Death Cab.

today at work

It's interesting how I can look back at my previous post about work, last week, and think, "holy crap that was a long time ago." It feels like months. I feel a lot more comfortable at my job, and a lot more competent. Each day is an insane jumble of puzzles to be worked through, some difficult, some not. It was an awesome day, though.

Today I managed to talk a mildly psychotic person through some of their troubles and even got them to make a list of what was bothering them so that they could be addressed one by one. Two people had crises with their medicine that I worked through with them (one was out, another had some missing). I contracted with my client (one of the ones I am primarily responsible for) a plan for his depression, and am helping him with some of his other issues. The other client I have, the one who hated me, has made so much progress he is practically unrecognizable from when he first came in. Besides that he told me today that he thought I was one of the best counselors there (OK, that has to come with a grain of salt, but dammit, it still felt good. And this was after a tough conversation with him earlier). My newest coworker, whom I respect immensely, told me that she thought I had handled a tough situation yesterday amazingly well. Also, I accidentally saw one client kiss another one on the cheek (some of the counselors had been suspecting a mild romance all week). And the two treatment groups I led went really well.

Okay, that probably sucked to read through. I am proud, though, and happy, and it was still a fucking hard day. I am helping to train the new person (I never got any training like that, dammit), and I ended up having to do two hours overtime, but it was still also an amazing day. It felt like a lot of my hard work paid off. At least a little. There are ups as well as downs.

The crown of today, though, was during a discussion group. I was talking about reactions to stress, and I mentioned how counselors in the field sometimes either make the mistake of being a sponge or being a hard-ass. One of the clients spoke up and said, "yeah, that reminds me of this one counselor over at Parker Place who was so bitchy all the time. Everything was someone else's fault, she was never wrong, nobody else was ever right."

Me: That sounds difficult. That sounds like Eve. That's funny, Eve used to work at Parker. ... ... ... -click!-

lesson from work

It is amazing the stuff that people will lie about when you catch them red-handed. For instance:

Staff: What happened to your pills?
Joe: What pills?
Staff: The pills your doctor gave you. The ones you were supposed to hand over to us immediately upon arrival.
Joe: I don't know. The doctor never gave them to me.
Staff: That's funny. Because we just called your doctor. He says you left the office with one bottle of forty pills. Where are they?
Joe: ... I forgot.
Staff: right... you're diagnosed with Borderline Personality and drug addiction, but clearly the problem here is memory loss.
Joe: I don't like staff being all up in my business!
Staff: Medicine is our business. Where are your pills?
Joe: ... What pills?
Staff: YOU DIE NOW!

the never-ending saga of my job

In the place where I work, each staff member is the primary counselor for two or three clients. Both my clients have relapsed in the past two days. One client keeps saying that the program is "just not a good fit." This person insists that they can handle their own recovery better than us. The other person, I found out this morning, cited me personally as a big reason for the relapse. To be fair, there were others as well.

So things aren't going especially hot for me at the moment. After I found out about this morning I was pretty well geared up to quit, actually, before I calmed down. I definitely wasn't up to handling client concerns like I should have been. By the time we have to write all of our summaries at the end of the day, all the details usually blur together in a stressed-out haze.

Part of me wants to rise to this challenge. It tells me that if I stick this out I will be a kick-ass counselor at an earlier age than most and really prepared for just about anything else I encounter.

The other part says that the lack of training and support in this job are not reasonable conditions, and that I have several disadvantages over (under?) other counselors: I lack experience in residential counseling, I'm not naturally extroverted or overtly charismatic, and I'm considerably younger than anyone else. Clients are naturally going to disrespect me, and I have to fight harder than anyone to earn their trust.

I'll say this for myself: I put up a good fight. I've had some pretty deep conversations with clients that weren't opening up, and I lead a damn good discussion group considering how intensely so many of the people don't want to be there. But the truth is, I have to also wonder how much of a liability I am. I don't know the services or agencies nearly as well as almost anyone else, I am constantly tripping up over rules or regulations I didn't know or forgot. This is on top of all the changes as a result of the new temporary program director, who incidentally is simultaneously my boss and my over-boss. The trouble I am having with the job is definitely leaking out into my client interactions, and I have to face the real possibility that I am doing people a disservice by learning the ropes in this program.

Maybe the real reason I am still in this job is because on some level I like the challenge. It's a combination of persistent and masochistic, really, which is odd because I am not either of those things usually. Ah, well, my conversation with my boss tomorrow should determine a lot.

In brighter news: mid-season double-feature of Avatar is on this Friday, and it will kick ass if the previous ones are any indication.

teeth

You know how you here something which is supposed to be common knowledge and you think, "oh come on, that can't possibly be true?"

I get (got?) that feeling a lot in academics. Psychology especially is loaded with stuff which is supposed to be kind of self-evident that I never totally bought. Vagina-fear, for instance. This is basically a reversal on Freud where, rather than women envying the penis, men fear the vagina. A feminist take might be that this leads to building patriarchal systems that suppress the scary vagina and the woman possessing it.

OK, so it is a model. And not one I am explaining very well. And not one I ever especially bought. Apparently a vagina with teeth is a common mythological symbol, aka vagina dentata. Which leads me to this...



Apparently I was wrong: vaginas are scary. But really, give me a break.

P.S. Vagina dentata, what a wonderful phrase...

punctuation is a beautiful thing

suckers.

social rehabilitation meets dungeons and dragons

Working on the morning shift is an eye opening experience. Which is to say that it is hard as hell. None of this skate by until morning, just trying to stay awake night shift crap, no. Something is always happening in the mornings, and we don't get no bloody break. It has made me realize that there are certain types that survive in this situation, and certain types that don't.

Reading Order of the Stick has been making me think in character types. On one hand there is lawful, neutral, or chaotic, while on the other there is good, neutral, or evil. My boss, for instance, is lawful evil. Oh, sure, he may work for the greater good by virtue of his job, but ultimately he is manipulative, passive aggressive, and out to see things are done his way regardless of if this is the right way. His actions, though, are perfectly ordered and predictable. His orderly habits just have a habit of bringing difficulty to other people. His character type does supremely well in this environment.

On the other hand, Eve was a classic example of chaotic evil. Rude and bitchy to everyone, seeming to hate absolutely everyone regardless of who they were. Despite making everyone else's lives miserable, she was really thriving there until things finally got to be too much. Just a little less chaotic, and I think she would have gone far. Another coworker is a milder chaotic evil, and she's doing just fine.

Most of my coworkers, on the other hand, are chaotic good. They are random fast-paced people who want the best for those around them but are willing to not take things too seriously and do what they think works rather than what they strictly ought to be doing. And usually they do a great job, although sometimes it gets them in trouble.

Then there's me. I think I am generally neutral good, although at work I am probably more lawful good. I believe in honoring a strict set of protocols and boundaries, that way clients know what to expect. Beyond this set of expectations I am a big fan of staff using their judgment and making decisions based on all the known facts.

Lawful(ish) good isn't cutting it where I work. Besides the fact that the rules are selectively applied to different people, and that I haven't been properly trained to know what the rules and guidelines are, and that attempts to do good are totally ignored if they aren't in compliance with what the boss expects, and that what the boss and the program expect are often different things; besides all that there is the fact that most of the clients are themselves chaotic, so they tend not to understand the good I try to do and not to appreciate the lawful aspect.

Which means that I have three choices: quit, become chaotic, or become evil. The problem with quitting is that I don't know if any other program I join will be the same. And I don't think I can become more chaotic; it just isn't in my nature. So...

me vs. my boss

My 100th post. Yay!

phone: ring!

me: hello?

Ira (my boss): Hi Dylan! How are you doing? Generic greeting, blah blah.

me: Wonderful. Yourself? Volley, and return.

Ira: Great. So it looks like good news for you. But you already know what I'm about to say.

me: What's that? Sure do.

Ira: We have a shift opening up on the mornings on Tuesdays through Saturdays. Of course, that wasn't the problem.

me: Sounds good. Say it...say it!

Ira: Eve will no longer be on the morning shift, so it would be great to move you to the morning shift as soon as possible. Yeah yeah, I'm sure you had already heard the bitch is gone.

me: Alright! Hells yeah!

Ira: So as soon as we get the new girl trained for the nights shift, we will be moving you to mornings. Maybe if I say it real subtle, you won't notice.

me: OK... back the fuck up...

Ira: Does that sound good? Come on, please just say yes, please just say yes...

me: Just one thing.

Ira: Fuck!

me: According to the schedule, my last night shift is this Wednesday. And not one damn day later.

Ira: Well, it looks like we will need you on night shift a little longer until the new girl is trained. I'm giving you what you want, so shut the hell up bitch.

me: Actually, I was really counting on getting off that night shift. I really don't feel it's good for my health. Did you really just use the royal we? Roast in hell! You've kept me on night shift way past your original promise, and I even gave you two weeks notice. Request denied.

Ira: Well, we do need her to be trained... Taste my inevitability ray! Thwah!

me: Stan will be on tonight, Jimmy the next couple of nights, and the schedule is such that I already wouldn't have had any nights alone, so she should have plenty of time to train. Fuck. You.

Ira: Hm, let's see here. Alright, pretend to flip through the schedule for a couple seconds. Hey, it looks like that works out. Maybe we can get you off of night shift immediately. Dammit. Now I have to find more relief workers.

me: Great! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Unless it involves more night shift. In that case, you can bend right over and suck it.

Ira: Alright. Talk to you tomorrow at the meeting. You will pay. Sooner or later, they all pay.

me: Have a great day! Please don't hurt me :(.