Thursday, October 9, 2008

second presidential debate

Part 1 in a possibly not ongoing cycle, encompassing the first half of the debate.

Tom Brokaw: Welcome to the second presidential debate, sponsored by the commission on presidential debates.

me: You're not Gwen Ifill! You're not Gwen Ifill at all!

Brokaw: Everyone clap.

Audience: Clap.

Brokaw: Now shut up. First question from random old guy in section A.

Random Old Guy: How would you protect old people from the spiraling economy of doom?

Obama: Fear is scary, but don't worry, it was all Bush's fault. McCain was sucking him off at the time. Tax cuts for the middle class. Peace!

McCain: I've got a plan. It's a plan for energy reform!

me: huh?

McCain: Tax cuts for the eve(wealthy)rybody! Plus, I'm gonna stabilize home values. How you ask? I'm Jesus. That's how.

Brokaw: Um... I think the Treasury Secretary is Jesus, thank you. Who would you appoint for that role? McCain? McCain!

McCain: Huh, screw you, what? Oh, um... damn, Obama called dibs on Warren Buffet, so... Meg Whitman. Yes, Meg Whitman.

Obama: Warren Buffet.

Brokaw: Come on guys, play by the rules. Please? Okay, next question.

Audience guy: Why are we spending $700 billion on this bailout thing?

McCain: Aww, good question little buddy! But it's relief, not bailout. You are black so this may be hard to understand, but I'll talk really slowly. Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac = bad, Obama supports Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, and the real Americans like old white guy from section A suffer. Now vote for me and I'll give you a lollipop!

me: Sweet Jesus, that was the most condescending thing I have ever heard.

Obama: If the bailout doesn't pass, all puppies everywhere will explode simultaneously. Plus McCain is a deregulation whore, while I wrote sternly worded letters to important people. McCain + Fanny Mae = bff.

Lady from section C: You both suck! How do we trust either of you?

Obama: Okay, we both suck. But George Bush super sucks plus a jillion! McCain hearts Bush!

McCain: I don't suck. I'm a reformer! I'm a maverick! Obama is all words, the senate is liberal. Pork barrel, projectors, and I'm Jesus!

Brokaw: Rank these three things in order of importance: health care, energy, entitlements.

McCain: Bipartisanship. Bipartisanship and Reagan and... um... terrorists.

Obama: Energy, health care, education, tax cuts, mimes.

Brokaw: Guys, please play by the rules. You're not being nice! Now, from the internets: what are Americans going to have to sacrifice?

McCain: Corrupt spending and earmarks. And Obama. And I'm Jesus.

Obama: Remember 9/11? Well Bush wants you to buy puppies, and then eat them. Turn off lights when you leave the room.

Brokaw: Let's be honest: Wall Street, Washington, and average consumers all got drunk off of loose debt and easy credit. How would you fix that?

Obama: Stay away from, jazz and liquor, and investors who, play for fun! Earmarks aren't as, bad as tax cuts, and US is number 1!

McCain: That slippery Obama. You've got more tax plans that molasses in January. Bad news: Obama secretly wants to anally probe small businesses with spiky cucumbers.

Obama: Can I break the rules just one more time to...

Brokaw: Sit your ass down, bitch.

Obama: But, oh, OK.