Wednesday, November 12, 2008

my grandmother vs. the computer

g-ma: Why can't I access email on this new computer?
me: I've set your email to be your homepage. Just click the little button that says "email" (a renamed "Internet Explorer" shortcut)
g-ma: I have clicked it. It won't open.
me: Did you try double-clicking it?
g-ma: Oh, look at that, double-clicking it made all the difference!
me: But you, you've been using computers for, how could you not know that you have to... (deep breath) never mind.

Sometimes I wish computers frustrated her less. Sometimes I wish she frustrated me less.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

second-hand story

I believe my source when he says this really happened.

A pollster is campaigning for Obama in rural Pennsylvania. He's canvassing door-to-door. He comes up to this house where a woman answers the door. He asks her which candidate she will be voting for. The woman calls into her husband, "hey, who are we voting for?" A male voice from inside replies, "that n*****." (rhymes with trigger)

I'm not entirely decided yet, but I think that warms my heart... a little...

holy flaming crap, batman!

If I vote yes on prop 8, I am choosing which consenting adult you can or cannot marry.

I fail to see how this makes sense to anyone, particularly conservatives.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

second presidential debate

Part 1 in a possibly not ongoing cycle, encompassing the first half of the debate.

Tom Brokaw: Welcome to the second presidential debate, sponsored by the commission on presidential debates.

me: You're not Gwen Ifill! You're not Gwen Ifill at all!

Brokaw: Everyone clap.

Audience: Clap.

Brokaw: Now shut up. First question from random old guy in section A.

Random Old Guy: How would you protect old people from the spiraling economy of doom?

Obama: Fear is scary, but don't worry, it was all Bush's fault. McCain was sucking him off at the time. Tax cuts for the middle class. Peace!

McCain: I've got a plan. It's a plan for energy reform!

me: huh?

McCain: Tax cuts for the eve(wealthy)rybody! Plus, I'm gonna stabilize home values. How you ask? I'm Jesus. That's how.

Brokaw: Um... I think the Treasury Secretary is Jesus, thank you. Who would you appoint for that role? McCain? McCain!

McCain: Huh, screw you, what? Oh, um... damn, Obama called dibs on Warren Buffet, so... Meg Whitman. Yes, Meg Whitman.

Obama: Warren Buffet.

Brokaw: Come on guys, play by the rules. Please? Okay, next question.

Audience guy: Why are we spending $700 billion on this bailout thing?

McCain: Aww, good question little buddy! But it's relief, not bailout. You are black so this may be hard to understand, but I'll talk really slowly. Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac = bad, Obama supports Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac, and the real Americans like old white guy from section A suffer. Now vote for me and I'll give you a lollipop!

me: Sweet Jesus, that was the most condescending thing I have ever heard.

Obama: If the bailout doesn't pass, all puppies everywhere will explode simultaneously. Plus McCain is a deregulation whore, while I wrote sternly worded letters to important people. McCain + Fanny Mae = bff.

Lady from section C: You both suck! How do we trust either of you?

Obama: Okay, we both suck. But George Bush super sucks plus a jillion! McCain hearts Bush!

McCain: I don't suck. I'm a reformer! I'm a maverick! Obama is all words, the senate is liberal. Pork barrel, projectors, and I'm Jesus!

Brokaw: Rank these three things in order of importance: health care, energy, entitlements.

McCain: Bipartisanship. Bipartisanship and Reagan and... um... terrorists.

Obama: Energy, health care, education, tax cuts, mimes.

Brokaw: Guys, please play by the rules. You're not being nice! Now, from the internets: what are Americans going to have to sacrifice?

McCain: Corrupt spending and earmarks. And Obama. And I'm Jesus.

Obama: Remember 9/11? Well Bush wants you to buy puppies, and then eat them. Turn off lights when you leave the room.

Brokaw: Let's be honest: Wall Street, Washington, and average consumers all got drunk off of loose debt and easy credit. How would you fix that?

Obama: Stay away from, jazz and liquor, and investors who, play for fun! Earmarks aren't as, bad as tax cuts, and US is number 1!

McCain: That slippery Obama. You've got more tax plans that molasses in January. Bad news: Obama secretly wants to anally probe small businesses with spiky cucumbers.

Obama: Can I break the rules just one more time to...

Brokaw: Sit your ass down, bitch.

Obama: But, oh, OK.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

so much tackiness!

It's so painful it almost cycles back to beautiful again, which must truly make it like looking into the face of God...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

gotta say

Fantasy me would totally have done this.

(It's the latest OOTS)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

things that occur to you

Specifically, things that occur to you while standing for three hours in front of Safeway waiting for a taxi.

-There are a lot of pumpkin decorations walking by.
-There are worse things than getting paid for sitting around on your ass.
-All the birds are flying in one direction. Must be a migration thing.
-Why would you get baked off your ass before coming to Safeway? Shopping takes concentration, dammit.
-I wonder how sunburned I'm getting.
-This dispatcher clearly thinks I'm just messing with him.
-Why don't I bring a book to this damn thing?
-No, creepy guy holding the gas canister, I'm not taking a ride in your shady-ass car.
-Why are all the birds flying West? Is this like Heaven's Gate for birds?
-The longer I'm waiting here, the better the story this will eventually make.
-If I call this dispatcher one more time, he's going to leave me stranded here forever.
-That taxi saw me, said to itself "hell no," and then drove away. I'm a leper fare.
-I could have walked the first shopping cart to the facility, unloaded, walked it back, walked the other cart to the facility, unloaded, walked it back, then walked back to the facility by now. Excellent.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

surprisingly creepy

Imagine being alone in your room, in the dark, at midnight. You haven't quite drifted to sleep. Suddenly you hear a ringtone, "The Saints Come Marching In," coming from inside your room. You know that this is not your ringtone. You also can't see anything.

Only later do you realize your jerk friend altered your ringtone to that one without telling you. And you nurse just a little more hatred in your heart.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

response to the blasphemy challenge

me: (in context) have you ever heard of the blasphemy challenge?
program director: no.
me: it's this thing where this atheist group called on people to commit blasphemy as a way of affirming their atheism.
program director: well Jesus H. God-Bastard Christ.
me: ... teehee.

Friday, September 12, 2008

thoughts from the slug offensive

When I come home yesterday I notice the back door open, which is a common occurrence in our house. I take the trash out, make some food, go about my business.

Then I'm at the kitchen sink doing sinky things, when I look down. At my feet is a small, turd-like phenomenon. My first suspect is the neighbor's cat or dog. Upon closer inspection, this is not a turd, but a slug. As I am escorting the slug off the premises, I notice more slugs in our back storage area. Then I notice that my sock is sticky from what I strongly suspect is slug-juice before I realized the problem.

Now I've made sure to keep the door closed, I've been looking up slug-repelling devices online, and I have added a layer of salt to our threshold for good measure. Flies, non-poisonous spiders and moths I can deal with, but slugs? And why is our otherwise awesome apartment starting to feel like hell's zoo?

I'm not going to whisper sweet nothings about regular blogging, but it is more on my radar now.

Monday, May 5, 2008


Alright, this story about the Austrian guy who kept his daughter in a cellar for 23 years is starting to get my goat. I mean, a totally unimaginably sucky tragedy. The kind of thing it's actually hard to wrap your head around, like death, or the Bush administration. Cheap liberal pot-shots aside, the way this story is being told is not OK.

So the guy's lawyer is essentially claiming insanity. Naturally. What would you do if you were this guy's lawyer? Clearly he slipped, fell, and imprisoned his daughter for nearly all of her natural life. Could happen to anyone.

But the whole sneering tone of the article as it discusses that defense, amid details about baby remains in furnaces and previous rape convictions (not to mention gratuitous use of German), is messed up. I guess I'm sensitive to the way people cover a mental illness defense. Here is a man who clearly made a choice, and who is morally culpable for that choice, no matter what was going on internally. At the same time, that shouldn't undercut the fact that mental illness is real, and that it does affect people's actions and choices negatively. Bah, the whole thing just seems to undermine the idea that mental illness is a real thing. But maybe it's just my hyper-critical view of the rhetoric.

The I Hate Cedric Theme Song

Two days ago, I can only hope, was the last conversation I will ever have with the most obnoxious client provider in the history of the universe. Ever. In celebration, a little music.

Oh Cedric, my Cedric, you're such a damn ass
You're behind on the subject and full of hot gas
When you're clueless you won't just bite down and admit
Holy crap! I'm not paid to deal with your shit

badum dum dum...

actual conversation with Cedric!:

me: Hi, I'm X's primary counselor.
Cedric: ... OK.
me: I'm working on some treatment goals for him. He's pretty tight-lipped. I was wondering what you thought.
Cedric: Well, I have my own treatment plans. You need to find your own.
me: ... ... ... ? I'm asking for your insight, since you have been working with him.
Cedric: Well, that's your job.
me: huh...

Oh Cedric, dear Cedric, please do roast in hell
And why does each sentence you say start with "well"?
I call you a jerk but words can't convey
The depth of how much I want you far away

ba dum dum dum...

me: Hi Cedric, how are you doing?
Cedric: ...
me: OK, so I'm calling to ask about X's medications. It seems he is running low.
Cedric: Well, I don't know about that.
me: You're his primary provider. Aren't you in charge of making sure his meds are filled? (Note to reader: the answer is yes)
Cedric: Well, you are going to have to call his doctor at the hospital for that.
me: Do you have the doctor's name?
Cedric: Not in front of me. You'll have to look it up.
me: Or a number? Anything to make calling the hospital a little bit easier?
Cedric: No.

The one I hate most of your many bad traits
Is the utter refusal to let me know straight
You'll weasel and whine and say "that's not on me"
Which is true, even when it needed to be

ba dum dum dum...

me: Hello Cedric, I am having a hard time finding X housing. Do you have any leads?
Cedric: Well, this one. But it probably won't be ready for several months.
me: We can only keep him 90 days. Is there anything else that can be arranged?
Cedric: Well, I'm following up on this one. But it probably won't be ready for several months.
me: Fine, never mind.
me several weeks later: Hello Cedric. I am working with the bed committee to get X housing before he leaves. I did most of this paperwork, but you need to fill out one section. Can you do that and fax it over?
me even later: Hello Cedric, it turns out we need to apply for emergency funds. Again, I need you to fill out this one section and fax it over.
me even later: Hello Cedric, I need to work out X's departure date.
Cedric: Well, that's your guys' issue.
me: Of course it is. But we need to coordinate it with you since you will be helping move his possessions. He can move in on the first.
Cedric: I know. I arranged the housing.
me: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ahhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Cedric, dear Cedric, you fail again
Turns out you can't tell me if, where, or when
And then you imply that I don't do my work?
Well guess what? You're right! I did yours you damn jerk!

May I never work with this man again.

White flags

For once I could talk a lot about my personal life, which has been more interesting as of late. And so I am not going to, because there would be to much to say and to process and the whole thing would get overwhelming. I guess it is better to have things be overwhelming rather than stagnant and depressing, but it still isn't quite at the place where I could stand back and give it a quirky, entertaining, bloggy spin in a few short paragraphs.

On the other hand, I happened to browse some of my old comments from posts on various blogs and discovered, much to my ego gratification, that some of my comments and garnered serious responses. Which is not necessarily saying much in a blog community, but it is nice to know that I got people thinking. Most of the time it was for making less liberal comments in a very liberal atmosphere. This is especially awkward because a) I am very liberal in most respects and b) there are so many concern trolls on blogs that I think I automatically get lumped in to that category.

I'm not sure if I need to explain concern troll, but essentially it is a person who acts sympathetic to your argument just to tear it down (ie. "I agree that women should have equal rights in principle, but this is a time of war...). As you can see, obnoxious. So when I come along and point out that maybe Giuliani taking a phone call during a press conference wouldn't be quite so frowned upon in that blog if a democrat had done it, people assume I am concern trolling. Which makes sense really, because even though all I'm really trying to say is that we shouldn't worry about minor crap like that, it sounds high-handed.

My problem is that I never figured out a genuine white flag to raise, like "no really, I am sympathetic to your overall concerns, but there are some minor points I disagree with." Because just about anything you say like that comes across as concern-trollish. And even if there were a genuine white flag, concern trolls would just co-opt it immediately and it would become meaningless. One of the reasons I stopped belonging to these communities as a rule. Rosemary's is still fun, though.

Monday, April 14, 2008


Unfortunately for me, when I start to write a really good post but then get waylaid, it feels... wrong somehow to write another post in the meantime.

Which is why I got caught up writing this really clever jingle about this guy that I strongly dislike, and ended up getting sidetracked. I almost passed up the chance to blog about the Large Hadron Collider, the world's coolest (and possibly last) supercollider. Last, because it carries a small chance, once turned on, of creating a small black hole that would destroy the world. Alternatively, and this is my favorite part, it carries an even smaller chance of creating something called a strangelet, which might then turn the particles around it into strangelets, which would then turn the particles around them into strangelets, until our entire planet was converted (ice-nine-like). Good stuff.

I am going to try to carry off a commitment of blogging once a week. Here goes.

Friday, March 14, 2008


I was reading through the Order of the Stick FAQ when it mentions that one of the moderators is RawBearNYC. My first thought was, "that would imply something very different on Craigslist." My second thought was "why the hell AM I reading the OOTS FAQ?" I hate not being able to sleep...

Saturday, March 8, 2008


If you talk one person out of committing suicide, does that mean you get a free pass on killing another (say, more annoying) person? What if you just suggest visiting the Golden Gate Bridge? I'd like it if that's how my job worked. OK, not really, I've just worked enough overtime to make my head explode and I'm ready for my damn weekend. And a mai tai. I want a weekend and a mai tai.

I was rereading "Don't Think of an Elephant" today. Silly metaphor guy. Doesn't he know that language just expresses an absolute preexisting truth? It's fun to read him and the go to where everything he says is just confirmed over and over and over again. It's even more fun reading it with a mai tai.

Monday, March 3, 2008

testing testing...

Wow, seems like I left the blog in a pretty dark place.

It also seems like blogger has become more compatible with Mac since I last tasted its wiles.

So, time to brush off the cobwebs and revisit the old blogosphere. God that's such a lame name for what this is. It sounds like a video game enemy. Made of petroleum jelly.

Anyway, I now am definitively competent that I can handle whatever my job throws at me, which is good, because this Saturday it through a hell of a lot. I had to tell one person that they needed to pack their bags and leave, which led to crying and begging and remorse. Oh sure, we referred the person to a shelter that way they wouldn't be totally out on the streets, but it isn't a good position to leave a person at all. Then I almost had to call the cops on a client who was drunk and screaming in front of our facility.

Come to think of it, my job is just about the most interesting thing in my life right now, so I guess I should be grateful for the occasional oddball screaming at me so that I have stuff to tell at parties. Not that I go to parties much. Like I said, not that interesting right now.

Which is part of why it is hard to blog... don't feel like I have a whole lot to say unless it relates to work, and I don't always want to think about that when I'm off. Alright, time to find new interests. Meanwhile, this blog has officially switched from a period of suck to a period of not-suck. Tell your friends.