My 100th post. Yay!
Ira (my boss): Hi Dylan! How are you doing? Generic greeting, blah blah.
me: Wonderful. Yourself? Volley, and return.
Ira: Great. So it looks like good news for you. But you already know what I'm about to say.
me: What's that? Sure do.
Ira: We have a shift opening up on the mornings on Tuesdays through Saturdays. Of course, that wasn't the problem.
me: Sounds good. Say it...say it!
Ira: Eve will no longer be on the morning shift, so it would be great to move you to the morning shift as soon as possible. Yeah yeah, I'm sure you had already heard the bitch is gone.
me: Alright! Hells yeah!
Ira: So as soon as we get the new girl trained for the nights shift, we will be moving you to mornings. Maybe if I say it real subtle, you won't notice.
me: OK... back the fuck up...
Ira: Does that sound good? Come on, please just say yes, please just say yes...
me: Just one thing.
me: According to the schedule, my last night shift is this Wednesday. And not one damn day later.
Ira: Well, it looks like we will need you on night shift a little longer until the new girl is trained. I'm giving you what you want, so shut the hell up bitch.
me: Actually, I was really counting on getting off that night shift. I really don't feel it's good for my health. Did you really just use the royal we? Roast in hell! You've kept me on night shift way past your original promise, and I even gave you two weeks notice. Request denied.
Ira: Well, we do need her to be trained... Taste my inevitability ray! Thwah!
me: Stan will be on tonight, Jimmy the next couple of nights, and the schedule is such that I already wouldn't have had any nights alone, so she should have plenty of time to train. Fuck. You.
Ira: Hm, let's see here. Alright, pretend to flip through the schedule for a couple seconds. Hey, it looks like that works out. Maybe we can get you off of night shift immediately. Dammit. Now I have to find more relief workers.
me: Great! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Unless it involves more night shift. In that case, you can bend right over and suck it.
Ira: Alright. Talk to you tomorrow at the meeting. You will pay. Sooner or later, they all pay.
me: Have a great day! Please don't hurt me :(.