so much tackiness!

It's so painful it almost cycles back to beautiful again, which must truly make it like looking into the face of God...

gotta say

Fantasy me would totally have done this.

(It's the latest OOTS)

things that occur to you

Specifically, things that occur to you while standing for three hours in front of Safeway waiting for a taxi.

-There are a lot of pumpkin decorations walking by.
-There are worse things than getting paid for sitting around on your ass.
-All the birds are flying in one direction. Must be a migration thing.
-Why would you get baked off your ass before coming to Safeway? Shopping takes concentration, dammit.
-I wonder how sunburned I'm getting.
-This dispatcher clearly thinks I'm just messing with him.
-Why don't I bring a book to this damn thing?
-No, creepy guy holding the gas canister, I'm not taking a ride in your shady-ass car.
-Why are all the birds flying West? Is this like Heaven's Gate for birds?
-The longer I'm waiting here, the better the story this will eventually make.
-If I call this dispatcher one more time, he's going to leave me stranded here forever.
-That taxi saw me, said to itself "hell no," and then drove away. I'm a leper fare.
-I could have walked the first shopping cart to the facility, unloaded, walked it back, walked the other cart to the facility, unloaded, walked it back, then walked back to the facility by now. Excellent.

surprisingly creepy

Imagine being alone in your room, in the dark, at midnight. You haven't quite drifted to sleep. Suddenly you hear a ringtone, "The Saints Come Marching In," coming from inside your room. You know that this is not your ringtone. You also can't see anything.

Only later do you realize your jerk friend altered your ringtone to that one without telling you. And you nurse just a little more hatred in your heart.

response to the blasphemy challenge

me: (in context) have you ever heard of the blasphemy challenge?
program director: no.
me: it's this thing where this atheist group called on people to commit blasphemy as a way of affirming their atheism.
program director: well Jesus H. God-Bastard Christ.
me: ... teehee.

thoughts from the slug offensive

When I come home yesterday I notice the back door open, which is a common occurrence in our house. I take the trash out, make some food, go about my business.

Then I'm at the kitchen sink doing sinky things, when I look down. At my feet is a small, turd-like phenomenon. My first suspect is the neighbor's cat or dog. Upon closer inspection, this is not a turd, but a slug. As I am escorting the slug off the premises, I notice more slugs in our back storage area. Then I notice that my sock is sticky from what I strongly suspect is slug-juice before I realized the problem.

Now I've made sure to keep the door closed, I've been looking up slug-repelling devices online, and I have added a layer of salt to our threshold for good measure. Flies, non-poisonous spiders and moths I can deal with, but slugs? And why is our otherwise awesome apartment starting to feel like hell's zoo?

I'm not going to whisper sweet nothings about regular blogging, but it is more on my radar now.

annoying!

Alright, this story about the Austrian guy who kept his daughter in a cellar for 23 years is starting to get my goat. I mean, a totally unimaginably sucky tragedy. The kind of thing it's actually hard to wrap your head around, like death, or the Bush administration. Cheap liberal pot-shots aside, the way this story is being told is not OK.

So the guy's lawyer is essentially claiming insanity. Naturally. What would you do if you were this guy's lawyer? Clearly he slipped, fell, and imprisoned his daughter for nearly all of her natural life. Could happen to anyone.

But the whole sneering tone of the article as it discusses that defense, amid details about baby remains in furnaces and previous rape convictions (not to mention gratuitous use of German), is messed up. I guess I'm sensitive to the way people cover a mental illness defense. Here is a man who clearly made a choice, and who is morally culpable for that choice, no matter what was going on internally. At the same time, that shouldn't undercut the fact that mental illness is real, and that it does affect people's actions and choices negatively. Bah, the whole thing just seems to undermine the idea that mental illness is a real thing. But maybe it's just my hyper-critical view of the rhetoric.

The I Hate Cedric Theme Song

Two days ago, I can only hope, was the last conversation I will ever have with the most obnoxious client provider in the history of the universe. Ever. In celebration, a little music.

Oh Cedric, my Cedric, you're such a damn ass
You're behind on the subject and full of hot gas
When you're clueless you won't just bite down and admit
Holy crap! I'm not paid to deal with your shit

badum dum dum...

actual conversation with Cedric!:

me: Hi, I'm X's primary counselor.
Cedric: ... OK.
me: I'm working on some treatment goals for him. He's pretty tight-lipped. I was wondering what you thought.
Cedric: Well, I have my own treatment plans. You need to find your own.
me: ... ... ... ? I'm asking for your insight, since you have been working with him.
Cedric: Well, that's your job.
me: huh...

Oh Cedric, dear Cedric, please do roast in hell
And why does each sentence you say start with "well"?
I call you a jerk but words can't convey
The depth of how much I want you far away

ba dum dum dum...

me: Hi Cedric, how are you doing?
Cedric: ...
me: OK, so I'm calling to ask about X's medications. It seems he is running low.
Cedric: Well, I don't know about that.
me: You're his primary provider. Aren't you in charge of making sure his meds are filled? (Note to reader: the answer is yes)
Cedric: Well, you are going to have to call his doctor at the hospital for that.
me: Do you have the doctor's name?
Cedric: Not in front of me. You'll have to look it up.
me: Or a number? Anything to make calling the hospital a little bit easier?
Cedric: No.


The one I hate most of your many bad traits
Is the utter refusal to let me know straight
You'll weasel and whine and say "that's not on me"
Which is true, even when it needed to be

ba dum dum dum...

me: Hello Cedric, I am having a hard time finding X housing. Do you have any leads?
Cedric: Well, this one. But it probably won't be ready for several months.
me: We can only keep him 90 days. Is there anything else that can be arranged?
Cedric: Well, I'm following up on this one. But it probably won't be ready for several months.
me: Fine, never mind.
...
me several weeks later: Hello Cedric. I am working with the bed committee to get X housing before he leaves. I did most of this paperwork, but you need to fill out one section. Can you do that and fax it over?
...
me even later: Hello Cedric, it turns out we need to apply for emergency funds. Again, I need you to fill out this one section and fax it over.
...
me even later: Hello Cedric, I need to work out X's departure date.
Cedric: Well, that's your guys' issue.
me: Of course it is. But we need to coordinate it with you since you will be helping move his possessions. He can move in on the first.
Cedric: I know. I arranged the housing.
me: ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ahhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Cedric, dear Cedric, you fail again
Turns out you can't tell me if, where, or when
And then you imply that I don't do my work?
Well guess what? You're right! I did yours you damn jerk!

May I never work with this man again.

White flags

For once I could talk a lot about my personal life, which has been more interesting as of late. And so I am not going to, because there would be to much to say and to process and the whole thing would get overwhelming. I guess it is better to have things be overwhelming rather than stagnant and depressing, but it still isn't quite at the place where I could stand back and give it a quirky, entertaining, bloggy spin in a few short paragraphs.

On the other hand, I happened to browse some of my old comments from posts on various blogs and discovered, much to my ego gratification, that some of my comments and garnered serious responses. Which is not necessarily saying much in a blog community, but it is nice to know that I got people thinking. Most of the time it was for making less liberal comments in a very liberal atmosphere. This is especially awkward because a) I am very liberal in most respects and b) there are so many concern trolls on blogs that I think I automatically get lumped in to that category.

I'm not sure if I need to explain concern troll, but essentially it is a person who acts sympathetic to your argument just to tear it down (ie. "I agree that women should have equal rights in principle, but this is a time of war...). As you can see, obnoxious. So when I come along and point out that maybe Giuliani taking a phone call during a press conference wouldn't be quite so frowned upon in that blog if a democrat had done it, people assume I am concern trolling. Which makes sense really, because even though all I'm really trying to say is that we shouldn't worry about minor crap like that, it sounds high-handed.

My problem is that I never figured out a genuine white flag to raise, like "no really, I am sympathetic to your overall concerns, but there are some minor points I disagree with." Because just about anything you say like that comes across as concern-trollish. And even if there were a genuine white flag, concern trolls would just co-opt it immediately and it would become meaningless. One of the reasons I stopped belonging to these communities as a rule. Rosemary's is still fun, though.

strangelets!

Unfortunately for me, when I start to write a really good post but then get waylaid, it feels... wrong somehow to write another post in the meantime.

Which is why I got caught up writing this really clever jingle about this guy that I strongly dislike, and ended up getting sidetracked. I almost passed up the chance to blog about the Large Hadron Collider, the world's coolest (and possibly last) supercollider. Last, because it carries a small chance, once turned on, of creating a small black hole that would destroy the world. Alternatively, and this is my favorite part, it carries an even smaller chance of creating something called a strangelet, which might then turn the particles around it into strangelets, which would then turn the particles around them into strangelets, until our entire planet was converted (ice-nine-like). Good stuff.

I am going to try to carry off a commitment of blogging once a week. Here goes.

5am

I was reading through the Order of the Stick FAQ when it mentions that one of the moderators is RawBearNYC. My first thought was, "that would imply something very different on Craigslist." My second thought was "why the hell AM I reading the OOTS FAQ?" I hate not being able to sleep...

rereading

If you talk one person out of committing suicide, does that mean you get a free pass on killing another (say, more annoying) person? What if you just suggest visiting the Golden Gate Bridge? I'd like it if that's how my job worked. OK, not really, I've just worked enough overtime to make my head explode and I'm ready for my damn weekend. And a mai tai. I want a weekend and a mai tai.

I was rereading "Don't Think of an Elephant" today. Silly metaphor guy. Doesn't he know that language just expresses an absolute preexisting truth? It's fun to read him and the go to Townhall.com where everything he says is just confirmed over and over and over again. It's even more fun reading it with a mai tai.

testing testing...

Wow, seems like I left the blog in a pretty dark place.

It also seems like blogger has become more compatible with Mac since I last tasted its wiles.

So, time to brush off the cobwebs and revisit the old blogosphere. God that's such a lame name for what this is. It sounds like a video game enemy. Made of petroleum jelly.

Anyway, I now am definitively competent that I can handle whatever my job throws at me, which is good, because this Saturday it through a hell of a lot. I had to tell one person that they needed to pack their bags and leave, which led to crying and begging and remorse. Oh sure, we referred the person to a shelter that way they wouldn't be totally out on the streets, but it isn't a good position to leave a person at all. Then I almost had to call the cops on a client who was drunk and screaming in front of our facility.

Come to think of it, my job is just about the most interesting thing in my life right now, so I guess I should be grateful for the occasional oddball screaming at me so that I have stuff to tell at parties. Not that I go to parties much. Like I said, not that interesting right now.

Which is part of why it is hard to blog... don't feel like I have a whole lot to say unless it relates to work, and I don't always want to think about that when I'm off. Alright, time to find new interests. Meanwhile, this blog has officially switched from a period of suck to a period of not-suck. Tell your friends.

unsleep

I have never been completely unable to go to sleep before. I think I came close last night, but nothing I did tipped me over the edge into actual sleep. I called my boss this morning to ask if I could call in sick because I am clearly not thinking straight. Needless to say she is pissed, and I don't blame her. It puts her and others in a pretty bad situation. I think I'm about to get fired anyway. Or "put on relief." I really feel bad about that, actually, because now the night shift person may have to stay later. I even started to offer to come in for the morning, but she hung up. I really don't feel like I can do the job right now, but still...
I'm also a little pissed, to be honest. She always talks about how we need to have conversations with the clients, but it isn't that often that we get the benefit of a conversation with her. Which kind of makes sense, since she is doing way more work than one job and my patience would be short too. But we don't get the benefit of having a short temper or not interacting with clients. It bothers me that when she tells me something it is in the form of a lecture.
Yesterday she was telling me about time sheets and how I needed to manage my time better so that I wasn't working overtime, and that if I did need to go over I needed to verify that with her first. Which is pretty clearly meant as a disincentive. The entire time it was this "I can't believe I have to go over this with you, this is such a waste of my time," kind of discussion. And that hurts me so much. Yeah, I'm really just over-sensitive, but after everything I give to that place to turn around and feel like such a burden to the most important person there is just so hard for me.
I don't know, maybe she's right. Maybe I'm just not ready for this job. Sometimes I do feel like I am doing a good job, but so often I just feel overwhelmed. I thought I could work through that, but I don't know.
Holy crap this has become a whiny blog post. This is the kind of blog post junior high kids write when they get in trouble at school. I'm going to stop now before I start crying and listening to emo music. Damn you Death Cab.

today at work

It's interesting how I can look back at my previous post about work, last week, and think, "holy crap that was a long time ago." It feels like months. I feel a lot more comfortable at my job, and a lot more competent. Each day is an insane jumble of puzzles to be worked through, some difficult, some not. It was an awesome day, though.

Today I managed to talk a mildly psychotic person through some of their troubles and even got them to make a list of what was bothering them so that they could be addressed one by one. Two people had crises with their medicine that I worked through with them (one was out, another had some missing). I contracted with my client (one of the ones I am primarily responsible for) a plan for his depression, and am helping him with some of his other issues. The other client I have, the one who hated me, has made so much progress he is practically unrecognizable from when he first came in. Besides that he told me today that he thought I was one of the best counselors there (OK, that has to come with a grain of salt, but dammit, it still felt good. And this was after a tough conversation with him earlier). My newest coworker, whom I respect immensely, told me that she thought I had handled a tough situation yesterday amazingly well. Also, I accidentally saw one client kiss another one on the cheek (some of the counselors had been suspecting a mild romance all week). And the two treatment groups I led went really well.

Okay, that probably sucked to read through. I am proud, though, and happy, and it was still a fucking hard day. I am helping to train the new person (I never got any training like that, dammit), and I ended up having to do two hours overtime, but it was still also an amazing day. It felt like a lot of my hard work paid off. At least a little. There are ups as well as downs.

The crown of today, though, was during a discussion group. I was talking about reactions to stress, and I mentioned how counselors in the field sometimes either make the mistake of being a sponge or being a hard-ass. One of the clients spoke up and said, "yeah, that reminds me of this one counselor over at Parker Place who was so bitchy all the time. Everything was someone else's fault, she was never wrong, nobody else was ever right."

Me: That sounds difficult. That sounds like Eve. That's funny, Eve used to work at Parker. ... ... ... -click!-